End of exams. And the start of something new, I hope.

Well, I guess it’s safe to say that exams are over for me. As the two most important ones are over. The five of us are all hyped about leaving the dorm and staying outside of campus. We went on a huge shopping yesterday and bought whatever was needed for the new place. On one hand, I’m happy to be moving out and getting my own place, it would mean more privacy and freedom. On the other hand, I know I’ll miss dorm life cause of the fact that everybody is near to each other and we are kindda co-dependent. Hmm. The fact that everyone is going to be scattered around after this saddens me a little, it’s inevitable though.

End of exams also mean that I have much free time on my hands. And that doesn’t help because I tend to overwork my brain with all the unnecessary shit. HIM. Yeap.

I actually came clean and asked him on Whatsapp, I said, if you have moved on, please tell me that you have because I don’t want to seem like a fool waiting for someone who has forgotten me. And he replied me saying he was in the middle of something important and I chose the wrong time to ask him about this. Honestly, I was disappointed. For one, how am I to know that he is out there handling something important at NINE IN THE MORNING?! And, it’s always me, bringing up sensitive topics to discussion. He always plays safe and it annoys me to no extent. He said he doesn’t want to talk about anything that’s not on his priority list right now, at least for the moment. I understand completely where he’s coming from. And I feel a little guilty for bringing up this matter a few days before his major exam. The thing is, I know if I just let it go, he will NEVER get back to me and I will be left in the dark to fend for myself all over again. Anyway, a few minutes later, he said, ‘know what, let’s decide now. If you wanna go, you can go. I’m not bf material. The only girl I liked left me, and I’m afraid of going through that again, and I hate taking risks.’ I was flabbergasted. This was the conversation we had months ago when I asked him what are we. He told me about his ex-girlfriend and how things ended because he didn’t give her enough attention, apparently. He was afraid that history might repeat itself. So I said, ‘I know you aren’t bf material, you’ve told me that. And I am still waiting, no? And you think I’m going to dump you the second you turn your back on me? I know you come with baggage and I’m fine with it. But if you think you don’t want to, it’s fine, I cannot force you.’ He then said he doesn’t believe in relationships, at least for the moment, yadda yadda yadda... all that fuck chicken talk guys make when they wanna slide out of any possible commitment. I had a very good mind to tell him off at that point but I guess arguing about it ain’t going to make things any better. 

One thing keeps bothering me now though. During that conversation we had months ago, he asked me, what do I expect from him. I should have told him then. I really should. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to face all this crap. But I didn’t cause I thought I had no rights, no claim on him. And I shouldn’t demand anything from him, cause it’s not my place to do so. Regretting it bitterly now.

And also now that his exams are almost over, he seems to have more free time on his hands but he’s busy with his organization, as usual. I am not complaining, really. He’s gotts do what he’s gotts do. I wonder everday, do I ever cross his mind, at least half as much as he crosses mine? I’m now in that organization (yes, you know why), and that means more chances of seeing him. Though I haven’t seen him yet for any official meetings, I am also partly afraid to. What if he doesn’t acknowledge me, like he used to? Or what if I come back from the meetings, feeling worse than before? Especially after the conversation we had through Whatsapp. I’m just oh so afraid of what I might have to face, and I don’t know if I would ever be ready to do so. K

I was packing my things the other day and came across the medical books that he gave me, I almost broke down thinking about those times when we’d hung out so many times and talk crap, then now, its like we’re strangers, and all those things didn’t happen. I also found the card he wrote for Valentine’s Day, which brought back another surge of memories; I just sat there, and I couldn’t bear to think that he’s slipping away. I’m gonna hold on as tight as possible, but if he wants to leave, then I will have to let him go. As much as I know it would pain me to do so.

Whatever it was, I made it clear in that whatsapp conversation that I was going to wait, at least for now. Cause honestly, I think it’s worth a shot and it’s all just a matter of time. Hopefully. And if I ever choose to move on, I would definitely tell him. Well, I know things don’t seem sunny for me and him, I guess I’ll just have to wait patiently and make him realize that I am worth that risk he is so afraid of taking, I am going to support him in whatever he does, and walk alongside him through it all. JHe needs to know that risk-taking is a part of life. Playing it safe all the time is only going to make life monotonous and unexciting, which is not how you live life.

confession?

This is going to be a weird post cause I haven't posted anything regarding 'boy problems'. LOL. Anyway, it's just a whole load of feelings I wanted to get off my chest and I'm doing it in a way I do best :) This is for you, though I know you'd take a million years to find my blog :P

I woke up from this delusional state of mind when I started seeing your face everywhere. I thought I hated you for what you did to me but then I realized that it is impossible to ever hate you. Even after all the things you did (unintentionally, of course), like no texts, and never getting back to me, and always keeping me in the dark, I just couldn’t hate you. Now I totally understand why Rainbow never hated Him for what he did and why Priya also never hated Him. I thought it was really stupid that you can still like the person after all he did, and all that pain he put you through, but now, I totally understand why.

I don’t know if it’s supposed to mean anything but seeing you just made my day. Though we didn’t have any personal conversation, I am still really happy. It’s a good day. I may be wrong but I think you still like me :l I am usually the kind of person who lives in denial and don’t dare to face things though when it’s right in my face highlighted with neon lightbulbs, but this, it’s stupid to not admit after all that happened.

Last week, there was a meeting and I dragged my friends to go attend the meeting. We sat quite at the front and I had a clear view of you. I stole glances at you when you were not looking and said to myself, ‘Woman, can you imagine looking at him and not feeling a thing at all? Can you ever feel the same way about another person? Yeah sure you may like someone else but will he give you butterflies in the stomach and palpitations?’ and though I was afraid of the answer, I realize that I do not wanna be with anyone else but you (For now la). I realize that even if someone else makes me happy, I’m still going to end up running after you no matter what, cause I know that I cannot feel the same way for anyone else. The sad part is that I’ve got no idea whatsoever of your thoughts about me. Why has it have to be you. Just why. Fell for you waaaay too hard and now am finding it very difficult to 'snap out' of it.

Coming back to the meeting. I caught you staring at me one too many times and even then I refused to think that you still like me. I justified your staring by thinking that you were merely staring into space and it happened to be in my direction. But no. Rainbow told me to not be stupid. She said she herself caught you staring at me. I later found out that someone else also realized what you were doing. You were that obvious. Yeahhhh.

Then today. I was hoping I’d run into you cause I was feeling really happy today. I did. You’ve no idea how happy I was to see you there, talking to my friend. I walked away from them cause the idiot of a friend was teasing me for volunteering for my batch and I just had to leave before things get awkward. So I left them and as I was walking towards my dorm, I heard your bike behind me. I didn't turn, but as you rode past me, you looked at me and gave me this one smile. I don’t know if I'm just imagining things or it was real, but that smile you had was more than just a ‘hey’ smile. I was all smiles and heart started beating a million times a minute. I felt like I was in a cheesy Tamil movie for a while. Sigh. Clearly you still like me. Then again, I'm not absolutely sure. I can still find reasons and excuses for you randomly staring and giving me that smile and all :/

All these being said, it’s established that you are the guy I really really like, and would probably not like anyone as much as I like you. That may change, in time, but as of for now, you are what I want. I was afraid to admit it, but now I can. And I’m also ready to face the consequences of being with you (if that happens), so I will not make stupid decisions like what I did recently. I know you’ll be extremely busy and may not have time for me, but all I want is just a couple of hours a week and I’ll be really happy. If you can’t promise me that, it's okay, I won’t force you. I’d wait. I'm pretty sure I will. I did wait for the past 6 months, no? And by admitting aloud what I want, I should be able to wait longer cause I know what I’m getting into. You love what you do and sometimes you get carried away, I understand. I fell for you because you take your job seriously, you're independent, responsible and a really dedicated person. And I will support you in all that you do if it comes down to anything (oh and even if it doesn't).

Honestly, it feels weird for me cause I was never the person who would let myself fall for a guy so hard, and now that I have, it’s uncontrollable. I cannot not fall harder for him, or walk away, pretending I don’t care. I used to be able to do that, I was an (minor) emotionally-detached person. And now look at me, fell for a guy so hard, and it had to be for the guy who would probably end up being a workaholic. And yet I'm adjusting my needs to his busy schedule and even going to the extent of saying I’ll wait for him, till he has time to spare me some... If this weird thing I'm going through isn't love, then I don’t know what is.
And it hurts me to know that he doesn't really think of me as often as I do think of him. He’s the kind of person who puts the complicated matters at the back of his head and focuses on what he has to do now. This is a really good thing, and also one of the reasons why I even fell for him in the first place. Like I said, since I am sure and am able to accept what I want, I should be able to face the pros and cons of my choice. I shouldn't complain any more if he goes missing again :/

Time Flies!

It’s been close to a year since I blogged. Guess I didn’t have much time to actually sit and blog. I’m finally in medical school now, been here for the past 9 months (time flies!) and facing my final exam in a week’s time. Being here, reminds me of how easy schooling life was. The hardest thing we had to face was doing homework and completing minor assignments. Even boy problems were waaay easier to handle back then. Haha.

I’m really hoping that my SOCCA this time is gonna be as good (or maybe better) as my last one and that’ll help me pull up the other grades. Since I’m now in the Repro block, I’m pretty excited and interested about the whole system since I have set my sights on being an OB-GYN. That should give me the boost for studying for this SOCCA.

I’m blessed that I have the greatest friends around, and they never let me down, ever. I got through my first SOCCA failure cause I had them, and also my roommate who never gave up on me. People like them, they’re not easily found and I’m so glad I have them for the next 5 years. J

Once im done with this finals, I’ll be home, having a month-long break, then be back here in September for the new semester, and as a second year medical student.

Till I write again :P