Well, I guess
it’s safe to say that exams are over for me. As the two most important ones are
over. The five of us are all hyped about leaving the dorm and staying outside
of campus. We went on a huge shopping yesterday and bought whatever was needed
for the new place. On one hand, I’m happy to be moving out and getting my own
place, it would mean more privacy and freedom. On the other hand, I know I’ll
miss dorm life cause of the fact that everybody is near to each other and we
are kindda co-dependent. Hmm. The fact that everyone is going to be scattered
around after this saddens me a little, it’s inevitable though.
End of exams also mean that I have much free time on my
hands. And that doesn’t help because I tend to overwork my brain with all the unnecessary
shit. HIM. Yeap.
I actually came clean and asked him on Whatsapp, I said, if
you have moved on, please tell me that you have because I don’t want to seem
like a fool waiting for someone who has forgotten me. And he replied me saying
he was in the middle of something important and I chose the wrong time to ask
him about this. Honestly, I was disappointed. For one, how am I to know that he
is out there handling something important at NINE IN THE MORNING?! And, it’s
always me, bringing up sensitive topics to discussion. He always plays safe and
it annoys me to no extent. He said he doesn’t want to talk about anything that’s
not on his priority list right now, at least for the moment. I understand
completely where he’s coming from. And I feel a little guilty for bringing up
this matter a few days before his major exam. The thing is, I know if I just
let it go, he will NEVER get back to me and I will be left in the dark to fend
for myself all over again. Anyway, a few minutes later, he said, ‘know what,
let’s decide now. If you wanna go, you can go. I’m not bf material. The only
girl I liked left me, and I’m afraid of going through that again, and I hate
taking risks.’ I was flabbergasted. This was the conversation we had months ago
when I asked him what are we. He told me about his ex-girlfriend and how things
ended because he didn’t give her enough attention, apparently. He was afraid
that history might repeat itself. So I said, ‘I know you aren’t bf material,
you’ve told me that. And I am still waiting, no? And you think I’m going to
dump you the second you turn your back on me? I know you come with baggage and I’m
fine with it. But if you think you don’t want to, it’s fine, I cannot force
you.’ He then said he doesn’t believe in relationships, at least for the
moment, yadda yadda yadda... all that fuck chicken talk guys make when they wanna
slide out of any possible commitment. I had a very good mind to tell him off at
that point but I guess arguing about it ain’t going to make things any better.
One thing keeps bothering me now though. During
that conversation we had months ago, he asked me, what do I expect from him. I should
have told him then. I really should. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to face all
this crap. But I didn’t cause I thought I had no rights, no claim on him. And I
shouldn’t demand anything from him, cause it’s not my place to do so. Regretting
it bitterly now.
And also now that his exams are almost over, he seems to
have more free time on his hands but he’s busy with his organization, as usual.
I am not complaining, really. He’s gotts do what he’s gotts do. I wonder
everday, do I ever cross his mind, at least half as much as he crosses mine? I’m
now in that organization (yes, you know why), and that means more chances of
seeing him. Though I haven’t seen him yet for any official meetings, I am also
partly afraid to. What if he doesn’t acknowledge me, like he used to? Or what
if I come back from the meetings, feeling worse than before? Especially after
the conversation we had through Whatsapp. I’m just oh so afraid of what I might
have to face, and I don’t know if I would ever be ready to do so. K
I was packing my things the other day and came across the medical
books that he gave me, I almost broke down thinking about those times when we’d
hung out so many times and talk crap, then now, its like we’re strangers, and
all those things didn’t happen. I also found the card he wrote for Valentine’s Day,
which brought back another surge of memories; I just sat there, and I couldn’t bear
to think that he’s slipping away. I’m gonna hold on as tight as possible, but
if he wants to leave, then I will have to let him go. As much as I know it
would pain me to do so.
Whatever it was, I made it clear in that whatsapp conversation
that I was going to wait, at least for now. Cause honestly, I think it’s worth
a shot and it’s all just a matter of time. Hopefully. And if I ever choose to move
on, I would definitely tell him. Well, I know things don’t seem sunny for me
and him, I guess I’ll just have to wait patiently and make him realize that I am
worth that risk he is so afraid of taking, I am going to support him in
whatever he does, and walk alongside him through it all. JHe needs to know that
risk-taking is a part of life. Playing it safe all the time is only going to
make life monotonous and unexciting, which is not how you live life.
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