confession?

This is going to be a weird post cause I haven't posted anything regarding 'boy problems'. LOL. Anyway, it's just a whole load of feelings I wanted to get off my chest and I'm doing it in a way I do best :) This is for you, though I know you'd take a million years to find my blog :P

I woke up from this delusional state of mind when I started seeing your face everywhere. I thought I hated you for what you did to me but then I realized that it is impossible to ever hate you. Even after all the things you did (unintentionally, of course), like no texts, and never getting back to me, and always keeping me in the dark, I just couldn’t hate you. Now I totally understand why Rainbow never hated Him for what he did and why Priya also never hated Him. I thought it was really stupid that you can still like the person after all he did, and all that pain he put you through, but now, I totally understand why.

I don’t know if it’s supposed to mean anything but seeing you just made my day. Though we didn’t have any personal conversation, I am still really happy. It’s a good day. I may be wrong but I think you still like me :l I am usually the kind of person who lives in denial and don’t dare to face things though when it’s right in my face highlighted with neon lightbulbs, but this, it’s stupid to not admit after all that happened.

Last week, there was a meeting and I dragged my friends to go attend the meeting. We sat quite at the front and I had a clear view of you. I stole glances at you when you were not looking and said to myself, ‘Woman, can you imagine looking at him and not feeling a thing at all? Can you ever feel the same way about another person? Yeah sure you may like someone else but will he give you butterflies in the stomach and palpitations?’ and though I was afraid of the answer, I realize that I do not wanna be with anyone else but you (For now la). I realize that even if someone else makes me happy, I’m still going to end up running after you no matter what, cause I know that I cannot feel the same way for anyone else. The sad part is that I’ve got no idea whatsoever of your thoughts about me. Why has it have to be you. Just why. Fell for you waaaay too hard and now am finding it very difficult to 'snap out' of it.

Coming back to the meeting. I caught you staring at me one too many times and even then I refused to think that you still like me. I justified your staring by thinking that you were merely staring into space and it happened to be in my direction. But no. Rainbow told me to not be stupid. She said she herself caught you staring at me. I later found out that someone else also realized what you were doing. You were that obvious. Yeahhhh.

Then today. I was hoping I’d run into you cause I was feeling really happy today. I did. You’ve no idea how happy I was to see you there, talking to my friend. I walked away from them cause the idiot of a friend was teasing me for volunteering for my batch and I just had to leave before things get awkward. So I left them and as I was walking towards my dorm, I heard your bike behind me. I didn't turn, but as you rode past me, you looked at me and gave me this one smile. I don’t know if I'm just imagining things or it was real, but that smile you had was more than just a ‘hey’ smile. I was all smiles and heart started beating a million times a minute. I felt like I was in a cheesy Tamil movie for a while. Sigh. Clearly you still like me. Then again, I'm not absolutely sure. I can still find reasons and excuses for you randomly staring and giving me that smile and all :/

All these being said, it’s established that you are the guy I really really like, and would probably not like anyone as much as I like you. That may change, in time, but as of for now, you are what I want. I was afraid to admit it, but now I can. And I’m also ready to face the consequences of being with you (if that happens), so I will not make stupid decisions like what I did recently. I know you’ll be extremely busy and may not have time for me, but all I want is just a couple of hours a week and I’ll be really happy. If you can’t promise me that, it's okay, I won’t force you. I’d wait. I'm pretty sure I will. I did wait for the past 6 months, no? And by admitting aloud what I want, I should be able to wait longer cause I know what I’m getting into. You love what you do and sometimes you get carried away, I understand. I fell for you because you take your job seriously, you're independent, responsible and a really dedicated person. And I will support you in all that you do if it comes down to anything (oh and even if it doesn't).

Honestly, it feels weird for me cause I was never the person who would let myself fall for a guy so hard, and now that I have, it’s uncontrollable. I cannot not fall harder for him, or walk away, pretending I don’t care. I used to be able to do that, I was an (minor) emotionally-detached person. And now look at me, fell for a guy so hard, and it had to be for the guy who would probably end up being a workaholic. And yet I'm adjusting my needs to his busy schedule and even going to the extent of saying I’ll wait for him, till he has time to spare me some... If this weird thing I'm going through isn't love, then I don’t know what is.
And it hurts me to know that he doesn't really think of me as often as I do think of him. He’s the kind of person who puts the complicated matters at the back of his head and focuses on what he has to do now. This is a really good thing, and also one of the reasons why I even fell for him in the first place. Like I said, since I am sure and am able to accept what I want, I should be able to face the pros and cons of my choice. I shouldn't complain any more if he goes missing again :/